


Love- To Infinity and Beyond

by MrsClexa



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Clexa are soul mates, Commander Hearteyes, F/F, Fluff, Heartbreak, Sex, Smut, They are meant to be together, They are so gay for each other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-25
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-07-18 04:34:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7299769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsClexa/pseuds/MrsClexa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke and Lexa were ridiculously in love, the kind of consuming, pure, needy, strong, RARE love that most people never even find. They found each other broken, and together they were able to put each other's pieces back together. There was no doubt they had planned on spending the rest of their lives together....</p><p>Until life had other plans for them. </p><p>20 months after their breakup, they have a chance of finding each other again.<br/>What happens when they do? Is love strong enough to beat life's ways?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_She was struggling to catch up to her as always. She always moved around and walked much faster than Clarke would like. She finally stopped to admire the flowers on_ _the side on the trail, bending over to smell them. She took a deep breathe in, as if trying to get her whole body to smell the intoxicating flower smell she loved so much._

 _Clarke could do nothing but stand back and admire the girl in front of her, the girl she fell so in love with. She watched her for a few seconds, watched how her long_ _wavy brunette hair fell to her sides as she bent over more. She watched as the love of her life closed her eyes and smiled, a smile so wide and so rare. These are her_ _favorite moments with Lexa._

 _A totally unguarded, free, happy, and absolutely breathtaking Lexa. She walked up behind her with tears in her eyes, and wrapped Lexa in a_ _tight hug from behind. Lexa didn't move for a few seconds, letting herself feel completely engulfed with Clarke. She loved the way Clarke smelled, it was a smell like no_ _other,the only thing in the world she thought smelled better than flowers. The smell of Clarke, the smell of home. The smell of everything that is right and good in this_ _world._

_“These flowers are beautiful” Clarke whispered from behind her, eyes starting to water even more. Lexa turned around in her arms to give her the flower she picked._

_“You're beautiful” Lexa whispered back to her and tucked the flower behind her ear, then placed the most gentle of kisses on her cheek._ _Clarke felt a tear roll down her face, she couldn't hold back her tears._

_“Hey hey what's wrong, baby?” Lexa said cupping her cheeks and pulling her face closer, Clarke’s smell taking over her senses. God, she loved that smell._

_Clarke shook her head a bit and smiled, signaling these are happy tears._

_“You make me happy. You make me really really happy” she said pulling her even closer, bringing her hands up to cover Lexa’s._

_Lexa’s eyes started to water as well, and she tried to hold back her tears. She pulled Clarke in for a soft, but long kiss, trying to convey just how she feels. She pulled back from the kiss and rested their foreheads against each other, tears stinging in her eye._

_“You make me happy, too” she whispered back, slightly rocking their bodies from side to side._

_“I love you” she said through blurry vision, but she could still see bright green eyes shining at her._

_“To infinity and beyond” she replied as one of them always did to an I love you._

_“Clarke….” She said her name softly. She loved to hear Lexa say her name. She loved how her name rolled off of Lexa’s tongue, so gentle yet so strong, as if her name will burn her tongue if said the wrong way. No one could say her name like Lexa did, Clarke would follow that voice to the end of the world._

_“Clarke” she said again, this time a little louder._

_“Clarke” And Clarke squeezed her hands around Lexa even tighter, not wanting to let go. She held her so tight, she wanted to feel Lexa, really feel her._

 

“CLARKE!” She heard her name being called loudly, and she jolted up from the twin bed, trying to gain her conscious back.

“What, what?” She said confused, heart racing, trying to take in her environment. She then noticed she was crying, she looked down at the wet stain on the pillow, and brought her hands up to her cheeks to wipe away the tears.

She didn't think her mom could notice her crying, thankful for the darkness of the on call rooms, but her mom sensed her tone right away. A mother always knows when their child is hurting. She shut the door behind her and went to sit by her side.

“Nothing cheeky, just wanted to let you know I'm going home. Raven told me you were in here”. She said as she noticed more tears running down her daughter’s checks. It pained her to see her like this.

“Okay. I have to stay here, my shift is not over yet, but I'll see you later” Clarke said between tears, hoping her mom would let it go. She knows she noticed her crying, it was hard not to, but Clarke couldn't stop the tears.

“Are you okay?” Abby asked even though she knew she wasn't. And she knew why.

“Yeah. Yeah I'm fine” Clarke forced a little smile, but she knew her mother wouldn't believe her.

“You're crying, cheeks” Abby said softly, brining her hand up to cup her cheeks and wipe away her tears.

“I know” she said through fresh tears, because now she can almost feel Lexa’s hands cupping her cheeks, like she did a few moments ago.

“You dreamed about her” Abby said. It wasn't a question, she knew right away.

Clarke nodded, wiping her tears away and leaning her head against her mother’s shoulder. It only caused her to cry more.

It wasn't the first time it happened. Clarke used to wake up almost every day for months, crying. With time, it got better. She simply stopped dreaming, she says. But when she does, it's about her.

It's mostly memories, rather than dreams. Moments that were engraved in her brain, the happiest moments of her life, when she would wake up to find the love of herlife sleeping quietly, messy hair taking over both their pillows. She'd wake up and fall asleep in the arms of the person she loved more than she thought she could ever love. So she dreamed about those moments, those moments of pure happiness, moments she refused to let go of. And then she’d wake back up to her reality, with a hole in her chest.

 

Her mom pulled her in tight, rubbing soothing circles on her back, as she feels Clarke staring to shake between tears.

“It was so real, mom. She felt so so real. I felt her touch and and heard her voice and I just…” She tried to keep herself from going down that road again, because she can't. She can't.

“I just still really miss her sometimes, mom. And it hurts” she said honestly, slumping down her body even more on Abby, releasing a long breathe she was holding. But it wasn't sometimes, it was all the time. She misses Lexa all the time, she never stopped missing her. Not once in the past 20 months has she stopped missing her, and she doesn't think she'll ever stop missing her.

  
“I know Cheeks, I know” Abby kept rocking her back and forth and rubbing her back. She knows there isn't much she can say to make it better. She knows there's only one person that could make this better, make Clarke better, but she's not here now.

"I heard you did good during surgery today” she tries changing the subject, distracting Clarke and pulling her out of the limbo before she gets in too deep again.

Talking about surgeries usually does it for Clarke, and it worked because Clarke pushed off of her and smiled, she can tell it was a real smile this time.

“I did” Clarke said grinning, she did amazing, not good. “Not that I had any doubt in my mind that I'd be amazing you know…” She said in her cocky voice, slightly bumping her mother’s shoulder.

“You have your father’s arrogance that's for sure” she said laughing. Clarke was so much like her father, and Abby loved it. She still got to see little parts of him in her daughter, and it made her feel at ease.

“Confident”. Clarke corrected her, like Lexa would correct Clarke. If she thought her father was a little arrogant, but in a good way, it was nothing compared to Lexa. But Lexa was never mean and cocky about it. She just radiated confidence.

 

_“Stop being so cocky” she looked at Lexa’s smirking face and couldn't help but smile. She couldn't help but smile at anything Lexa did._

_“Confident” Lexa corrected her._

_“Why are you so sure you're going to win?”_

_“Because I'm really good and no one ever beat me in ping pong. Ever.” Lexa replied back like it was the most obvious answer in the world._

_“And that's about to change” Clarke challenged her back. She wasn't going to let Lexa have it, she knew how to hold her own in ping pong, and she knew Lexa didn't think she could play._

_After a 2 out of 3 game, Lexa put the paddle gently on the table, and rounded the table to walk toward Clarke, who just pouted at her._

_“I want a rematch” she said still standing in place, eyeing Lexa._

_“Really?” Lexa scrunched up her face. It was a pretty harsh victory. “21 to 9 and 21 to 5 and you still want a rematch?” Lexa said with a smug look on her face_

_“Wipe that smug ass look off your face, Woods. You didn't tell me you were like a world champion ping pong player” Clarke said as Lexa pulled her closer to her, Clarke’s hands are still crossed on her chest._

_“I told you I was good” Lexa said not being able to wipe the smug look off her face._

_“Cocky” Clarke said leaning in to place a kiss on waiting lips._

_“Confident” Lexa said and kissed her again._

 

Clarke was brought out of her thoughts when she heard her mother talk again.

“I miss him” she said sighing.

“Me too” Clarke said sighing back.

“Do you want me to stay?” Abby asked even though she already knew the answer.

“No, it's okay. Go home and rest, I'll be fine” she squeezed her arm and pushed off from her, turning around and putting both her feet on the floor.

“Okay” Abby said kissing her tear stained cheek, and got up. She knew Clarke needed to be alone.

Clarke closed her eyes and took a deep breathe. She'll be okay. It's just fresh in her memory and she'll okay.

“I'm proud of you. And your dad is too.” Abby said looking back at Clarke before opening the door and stepping out. Clarke looked up to smile brightly at her, knowing her dad really would be proud, had he been alive.

 

She’s following her dream, she's going to be a surgeon. She's going to be an amazing surgeon. And she is going to fix people and heal them, put their broken pieces back together. She wishes a surgery could put her broken pieces back together. There's only one person in the world that could her pieces back together. The one person she longs for, dreams about, hears their voice when she feels like the world is crashing down on her. The person that was her everything, the person who took her breathe away, the person who did put her broken pieces together once.

 

Clarke didn't realize how lost she was before she found Lexa. She thinks back to the person she was before she met Lexa and laughs to herself. That person would never be where she is right now, sleeping in an on call room, waiting for her 24 hour shift to be over in one of the best hospitals in the country. The only way the Clarke before Lexa would be in an on call room, was if she met a cute doctor or intern and decided to have fun with them after a night of partying. The Clarke before Lexa, was so lost and confused and broken after the death of her father, even her mother gave up all hope. Clarke had wanted to be a surgeon just like her mom her whole life.

She always wanted to help people, make them better, make them happy. She grew up with everything anyone could ever want. She was very privileged and she was grateful for that. She thought she was the luckiest person on earth, to have amazing parents and friends, to get into the med school of her dreams- Yale med school, and be in the top 10 of her class. She thought she was the luckiest person on earth…until her father was taken away from her. The happy, ambitious girl she once was, was gone. After he died, she started breaking herself down, more and more each day. She started skipping class, her grades dropped, she started drinking and partying way too much, sometimes she didn't even feel like herself. She felt like she was watching someone else in her body, like she's watching herself during a bad dream, waiting to wake up. But she never woke up from the dream, it was her reality. Her shitty reality, masking away her pain with alcohol, partying, and sex. Lots of sex.

 

She accepted this is the way her life would be from then on. Living between tequila shots and parties, all ambitions thrown out the window. She didn't care. She didn't want to care. Her father was dead and she didn't understand how life could be so mean. life was so mean, so she wanted to be mean to it back.

 

Until Lexa.

Lexa turned her whole world upside down. She shook every single fiber in her body, consuming her every single thought, right from their first interaction. She made her question every single decision she made during those last few months after her father’s death, made her uneasy and frustrated and confused, until the day she started seeing clearly again. She was finally seeing again. Seeing life, seeing people, seeing herself, feeling. After long months of trying to numb her feelings, they came bursting out all at once. And it hurt, but it hurt so good. It was the best kind of pain. It was the pain of rediscovering what love is. Rediscovering that she can love, and be happy. All these feelings that she bottled up for so long, the pain she kept to herself, the tears she never let escape, all the constant anger she had in her stomach waiting to erupt at any second…with each one of Lexa’s touches, it all faded away. Lexa became her focus, her glasses, her muse. Her life was blurry and unclear, then Lexa came along and she could finally see. And slowly, Lexa put her back together.

 

_"You're my glasses” she once told Lexa, after having a little too much wine._

_“What?” Lexa just looked at her confused and chuckled._

_Clarke really had a way with words sometimes, and more often than not, Clarke needed to explain the meaning behind them. She would sometimes tell her the most_ _ridiculous things, come up with the weirdest analogies, but Lexa never thought anything Clarke said was ridiculous. She loved the way Clarke would describe things- her creativity always finding a way out of her body , and she_ _always knew there was a deep meaning to everything she said. Just like now._

  _“For the longest time I couldn't see anything. My life went by in a blur. I didn't want to see, didn't care to see. I was looking but didn’t really see you know?” But Lexa_ _didn’t answer, she knew Clarke wasn't really asking._

 _“But then you…you came along and I finally saw everything again” she said closing her eyes, and she feels Lexa pulling her into her lap, stroking her hair, encouraging_ _her to go on. She knows she needs to let her get this out._

  _“You came along and suddenly I saw the petals on the flowers, Lexa. Instead of seeing a blob of pink, I saw the petals. I saw the leaves on trees. I saw the rain drops, the_ _rays of sun, just…everything. I saw myself after a very long time. And I didn't like what I saw. You made me like what I see, now” Clarke finished her rambling and felt_ _Lexa dropping little kisses all over her face. Lexa wasn't sure if she was done yet, so she didn't say a word._

 _“Don't make fun of me, I know I sound dramatic and sappy and ridic-“ Lexa cut her rambling off with a strong kiss to her lips, and Clarke wrapped herself around her_ _tightly._

_“I'd never make fun of you” Lexa said genuinely._

_"You're my glasses” Clarke said again. She needed Lexa to understand how much she means to her. How much she's done for her. “The second you came into my life, I_ _saw everything so clear again. I was focused. You made me…me again” she finished with a sigh and another kiss to Lexa’s lips. “Thank you for being my glasses”_

 

_"Thank you for letting me be your glasses” Lexa was so enamored with Clarke at that moment. She felt like nothing she says will be able to explain Clarke how she feels._

_She wanted to tell Clarke that she's her glasses, too. She wanted to tell her that for her, it's not like she didn't wear glasses, it's like she wore broken glasses. Everything_ _was broken, and sharp, and scary, and she was so scared of making the wrong move, scared to crack her broken glasses even more, and make herself hurt even more._

 _But then Clarke came and fixed it all. And she could see, just like Clarke could. But before Clarke, she didn't see anything. She didn't notice the flower petals, or the rays_ _of light, or the rain drops. She just…looked. And it was just there. And nothing meant anything. And then Clarke came crashing into her life, and made her see the_ _beauty of it all. The beauty of flowers, the beauty of nature, the beauty of trust, the beauty of love._

 

 _But this was Clarke’s moment, and she didn't want to ruin it for her. She wanted that moment to be about Clarke, she knows how hard it's been to get her to openly talk_ _about her feelings. So instead of words, she wanted to show her how she felt._

 

 _Without saying a word she pulled Clarke down on the couch, and kissed her deeply. She kissed her deeply, gently, trying to show her that she understands. They kissed_ _until they had to break for air, and Lexa slowly took Clarke’s clothes off of her. She pushed her shirt up until it was at her neck, and lifted her head and arms a bit so_ _she could take it off. She dragged her soft hands from her neck down to her hips, just feeling the girl beneath her. She brought her hands to Clarke’s breasts and_ _circled around them, pushing her hands into the cushion behind Clarke’s back, freeing her from her bra. She whispered an “I love you” and journeyed down, situating_ _herself between Clarke’s legs. She slowly pulled down her underwear, the smell of Clarke’s arousal hitting her nostrils so strongly she feels like she could come right on_ _the spot. Knowing she did this to Clarke made her dizzy, it always does. And she knows it won't ever stop making her dizzy. She dipped her mouth down to taste the_ _most intimate part of Clarke, the part that is only hers to see, and feel and taste. And she spent the rest of the night showing Clarke how much she means to her._

 _Promises of love were whispered between moans, hours upon hours of exploring each other and never exploring enough. That's how their love was. Strong, and_ _consuming, and never getting enough of each other. And they both knew this is what real love feels like._

Knowing Lexa is the reason she got where she got, doesn't make it any easier. Where she is, is a constant reminder of Lexa, and it doesn't make it easier. Clarke takes a deep breathe again, and before she is up on her feet, she hears her beeper going off. “Thank god” she breathes out, thankful for the distraction. She can't keep thinking about her. She picks up her device and walks out of the room quickly. Walks out of that dream, out of her thoughts, out of her.

 

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
“Lexa if you don't stop shaking your legs I swear I'm going to sit on you so you won't be able to move” she asked Lexa for about the 4th in the past 30 minutes.

"Sorry” she looked back at her sheepishly.

 

Lexa Woods isn’t one to get nervous often. She is confident, strong, and fierce. Always have been, always will be.

 

Except this very moment, the moment before the meeting that could change her life. Or, give her her life back, to be more exact. There is so much weight on this meeting, and Lexa honestly doesn't know what she'll do if this doesn't go as planned. It can't happen, she can't let that happen. She has worked so hard for the past 20 months to get to where she got…20 lonely, dreadful, months in a foreign country. 20 months of sweat, and late nights at the office, and nearly zero social life. 20 months away from the only person who could make all of this better…

 

Sometimes she can't believe it's already been 20 months, but then again she's been going none stop from the second she landed in England 20 months ago, and time just lost it’s meaning. Time just…goes. And she just…lives.

 

But she chose that life, she set goals, and she was going to achieve them, no matter what.

 

Waiting outside the conference room for the meeting to start, with nothing else to do, her mind drifts to the last place she wants it to…her. But she can't help it.

She's in her home town. Where they used to visit her mom once a month, and go to the beach even when it was freezing out because she loved the beach so much, the numb face was worth seeing the way her face shined every time they were there. 

 

When the investors first told her the meeting was in Boston, she felt a knife going through her stomach. After thinking about it for a while, she decided it would only bring her good luck. Just like _she_ always did. Everything about _her_ was good, she was magical. So, Lexa decided that it could only be a good sign. But now that she's here again…she can't help but think about her.

 

She spent so much time during the past 20 months trying not to think about her, at some point she just gave up. Not thinking about her made her more miserable than thinking about her. The sound of her voice, her touch, her soft kisses, her intoxicating laugh. God, she missed that laugh. There wasn't anything in the world she loved more than hearing her laugh, especially if she was the cause of it. She still remembers the first time she came to Boston, and she was just as nervous then, if not even more.

 

_“You're nervous” she averted her eyes from the road for a split second to look at her girlfriend’s face._

_“I'm not” she replied back calmly_

_“I would believe you if you weren't shaking your legs for the past 15 minutes, babe” Clarke said with a chuckle._

_Lexa immediately halted her movements, placing both hands on her thighs._

_“Lexa, you'll be fine. Okay? Besides you already met her twice, this shouldn't be any different” she tried to reason to her, make her more calm. It didn't really work._

_“Yes but I didn't meet her as your girlfriend, Clarke. Now it's like…official or whatever”_

_“Yeah she met you as my fuck buddy, and she still liked you. Way worse than a girlfriend” she said in another attempt to calm her down, but only made it worse._

_It made Lexa wince a little, thinking of that time. She was so stupid and stubborn and it made her angry at herself, until she registered what Clarke said and it sent her_ _into a panic mode_

_“What do you mean she met me as your fuck body?! She knew we wer-“_

_“She knew.” Clarke cut her off and laughed to herself._

_"Claaaaaarke" Lexa whined covering her face in embarrassment . “This is so em- how did she even know?!”_

_“Babe, I had a hickey the size of Jupiter on my neck. And you had two on yours. Guess she just put 1 and 1 together” she said nonchalantly. She didn't care that her_ _mom knew, she was a big girl and didn't need to hide these things from her._

_"And also she found your shirt and underwear in my laundry” Clarke added more quietly, knowing she is about to make her girlfriend even more embarrassed._

_Lexa's cheeks had gone completely red by now, but she looked so damn adorable, Clarke didn't even care._

_"I can't believe it. I just can't believe it” she said through muffled mouth._

_Clarke reached out to move Lexa’s hand from her mouth and lace their fingers. And even after 6 months she still got butterflies doing that._

_“Lexa, it's not a big deal. It's fine, you'll be fine. I promise.” She said squeezing her hand, giving her that stunning look that always made Lexa feel better._

_Lexa took a deep breathe and squeezed Clarke’s hand back._

_“Okay. Anything else I should know? Any more embarrassing information about our sex life you shared with your mother maybe?” She said half jokingly, half not. Because you can never know with Clarke._

_"Ummm….let me think” Clarke feigned thinking about the question. She was open with her mom about sex, but not that open. But she loved messing with Lexa sometimes, especially because she found embarrassed Lexa adorable._

_Lexa just raised her eyebrows at her, anxiously waiting for an answer. She knew she was most likely just messing with her at this point, but she learned that there's really no way of knowing with Clarke._

_“ I mean not really…I just told her you're the best sex of my life. Just a little mother daughter talk you know” Clarke said trying to hold in her laugher._

_“You what?!” Lexa turned her head to Clarke so quickly she thought it was going to snap. “Clarke I am going to ki-“_

_“I'm kidding, I’m kidding!” She said through laughter, taking mercy on her poor girlfriend. She really couldn't help it sometimes._

_“not funny” she said grumpily_

_Lexa withdrew her hand from Clarke’s to cross both arms on her chest, but Clarke was faster and grabbed her hand back. She brought it to her lips and kissed it, and put their laced hands back in Lexa’s lap._

_"I'm sorry I had to” she said laughing again “I promise I didn't share any information about our sex life. About our very healthy sex life, may I add”_

_“Good.” Lexa said, slightly relieved._

_“Now stop bouncing your legs it's driving me crazy” Clarke moved their laces hands down Lexa’s leg to stop her movement._

_“Sorry”_

 

_They stayed in comfortable silence for a few moments, only the sound of the radio in the background._

_“Am I really the best sex you've ever had?” Lexa suddenly asked._

_Which earned her a look of slight disbelief from her girlfriend._

_“You really don't know the answer to that?” Clarke said raising her eyebrows at her._

_“I mean…I don't know I could only assume, mayb-_

_“Lexa Woods, you are the best sex I've ever had” Clarke cut her off again before Lexa starts rambling like she always does when she's not sure of herself. Which doesn't ever happen, except with Clarke. It took her a long time to stop questioning herself when they first started dating._

_“Glad to hear” Lexa’s smug look made an appearance, and Clarke caught her. That stupid smug face turned her on beyond belief, but she would never admit it to Lexa._

_“I'd tell you to wipe that look off your face but you did give me 3 orgasms last night, so you earned it”_

_“It was my pleasure, Ms. Griffin” she said through a cheeky smile_

_“Oh the pleasure was all mine, Ms. Woods”_

 

Lexa was pulled out of her thoughts when she felt two hands on her legs, steadying them.

“Lexa. Relax.”

Lexa looked up at the ceiling and took a deep steadying breathe.

“What if they don't like me?” She asked quietly.

"Lexa, you brought the company in twice the revenue from last year. Trust me, they already love you.”

And before she had time to doubt herself again, the door was opened, a man and a woman walking out from the conference room to greet them.

"Lexa, Anya, nice to see you again” the man says and shakes their hands. “Please come on in”.

  
As expected, the meeting went well. Extremely well. They admired what Lexa did with their sister company in England, and wanted her to potentially run another sister company they are planning to open within the next year, in New York. But for some reason, Lexa left the meeting not feeling well, she wasn't sure if she was actually physically not well, or just worried and nervous.

 

“You should be a lot more happier than you seem, Lexa”

“I am” she replied emotionless

“Yeah you sound so happy. I can feel how happy you are by the happy sound of your voice”

Lexa side eyed her and gave her that “now is not the time” look.

“We can't get our hopes up, Anya. Nothing is for sure until we sign the papers”

Anya knew she was right, nothing was ever sure until it was signed and set. So many things could go wrong, but she hoped for once, for the sake of her best friend, this will go through. And she wanted Lexa to have hope that it'll work out, because she needs Lexa to hold on to that hope if she wants to get her best friend back.

“I know” she sighed. “you’ve got this, Commander” she said chuckling at the nickname her employees gave her. It fits her so well. They walked out of the building, and the more they walked the more she started to feel bad. She ignored the dizzy feeling, reasoning she has yet to eat or drink today and she just needed food, and kept walking. They kept walking in silence, and Anya noticed her slowing her pace down, which was unusual, because Lexa always walked fast.

 

“You okay?”

“Yes. Just hungry” 

“You can't not eat or drink the whole day” Anya said in a stern voice

“I'm fine, Anya” Lexa said annoyed.

“You're pale”

“I said I'm fine. There's a restaurant across the street” she said picking up her pace. She really needed to eat before she passed out. Anya started walking faster as well, keeping herself close to Lexa who looked like she was about to pass out.

They finally reached the stairs to go up to the restaurant when a wave of dizziness hit Lexa again. She gripped the railing to steady herself, and stopped walking. She really didn't feel well. Anya looked at her worried, not wanting to say anything to upset Lexa again.

Lexa forced herself up the stairs, and felt like her body was about to give out

“Anya I do-….” And her body dropped to the stairs, head slamming against one of the steps before Anya could even react.

“FUCK, Lexa!” Anya yelled, but still kept calm. She bent down to lift Lexa’s head from the floor and sat on the step, supporting Lexa’s head so it's not on the floor. She quickly pulled out her phone and dialed 911, gave them the location, and waited. She adjusted Lexa’s head, and noticed she was bleeding.

“Shit. Shit” she muttered to herself. She pulled out her phone again to make another phone call, calling the last person Lexa would want her to call.

“Hello?” She heard from the other side of the phone.

“Hi it's Anya…I need your help”.

 

When Lexa woke up, she had no idea where she was. She registered people talking, machines beeping, and being in a car. She opened her eyes and started to panic, but Anya was quick by her side before she could say anything.

“You passed out” Anya simply said, answering the question before Lexa had a chance to ask. 

Lexa blinked again, feeling weakness through her whole body. Her head was pounding, and she brought her hand out to grab at it when she noticed a patch on the side.

 “Did I hit my head on the stairs?” she asked Anya, barely able to get words out.

“You did. They don't think it's anything serious, maybe a concussion”

Lexa groaned and closed her eyes. At least it happened after the meeting, she thinks to herself.

“Where are we going?”

“To the hospital” Anya said, expecting resistance from Lexa. But Lexa was too tired and in pain to argue about anything right now. She just wanted to get checked and go back to the hotel.

She felt the ambulance come to a stop, and made a move to lift herself up, which was much more difficult than expected. She was both physically and mentally exhausted. She felt a hand on her shoulder pushing her back down on the stretcher.

“Rest” Anya said firmly, and Lexa didn't dare move.

 

They pulled her out of the ambulance, and it was only then that Lexa saw where they were. It didn't even occur to her up until now. She looked up and saw in big red letters- “Massachusetts General Hospital”. She started to panic again, felt her blood falling from her head at the mere thought of who she could potentially see here, and before she could get a word out Anya was by her side, having predicted this reaction.

“Lexa, relax. Relax. It's fine. She's not here. You don't have to see her, she's not even working today” she spat out quickly. 

Lexa felt her blood supply coming back to her head, but she's still panicking.

“How do you.. How do you know?” It was obvious how she knew. And it was obvious Lexa wasn't going to like what came out of Anya’s mouth next.

“I um…called” and when she saw Lexa’s anger rising and was about to speak, she cut her off again

“You were bleeding from your head, Lexa! Do you want me to take you to a clinic or something less good when I know I can take you to get checked by the best doctors in the country?!” She raised her voice a little. “I called because you were bleeding and I panicked and yes it might be nothing but a little bump on your head, but I'm not risking it ok? So before you get mad at me, I just called Abby to ask her for a little favor. She's not working, you won't see her, we’ll be in and out of here, so don't make a big deal out of it!” she finished the speech she had practiced when Lexa was still unconscious. 

 

Lexa took in Anya’s words and she knew she was right. It was not a big deal. Had it been the opposite, Lexa would have done whatever she could to get her the best of the best. She didn't say anything, just nodded at Anya, and put her head back down on the stretcher.

She wouldn't be able to handle seeing Abby. It would probably just be as bad as seeing Clarke, and she definitely couldn't handle that right now. Or ever. The little distance she was able to put between her heart and Clarke would crumble down in a matter of seconds, and she can't go to that place again, because she would be even more destroyer than she already is.

 

They rolled her into a room and moved her to a bed. It was a private room, and she didn't think she would get anything other than the best treatment, knowing that Abby was overlooking it. She knew Abby loved her and cared for her, and she loved Abby like she was a mother. When she and Clarke were together, she was almost like a mother to her. She tried to keep in touch with Abby, calling once in a while, or even sending her a picture sometimes, but after a while it got too hard. She couldn't hear Abby's voice without hearing Clarke. She couldn't look at her face without seeing Clarke. And as much as it pained, it was too much for her and she had to cut all contact.

  
A doctor came in to check up on her and inform her that they will take her to do a CT scan in a few minutes. Anya was making some phone calls on her behalf in the hallway, and Lexa was left alone with her thoughts once again. To her comfort, the hospital was not unfamiliar. She had been with Clarke in this hospital a few times, back when she was still looking into residency programs. She also now remembered Clarke pulling her into an on call room to make out. They stayed with Abby during their visits and didn't get much alone time, and the second Abby left the two of them alone, Clarke pushed her into the nearest on call room. They couldn't go too long without touching each other, and Clarke had much less self control than Lexa, but it's not something Lexa would ever complain about. She quickly pushed that thought out of her head, and reached for the bag next to her bed. If she had to be here with nothing to do, she could at least get some work done.

 

After about 20 minutes, a young doctor came to take her to get her CT scan. They had to make sure she didn't have a concussion and wasn't bleeding. The doctor informed Anya she could wait for her in the room, it will only take a few minutes and he will bring her back. She looked at him and couldn't help but think about Clarke, who should be a residents, just like him. The thought made her smile, she was following her dreams and becoming a surgeon. She had no doubt in her mind she would make an amazing surgeon.

“This will just take a few minutes” the young doctor smiled at her. She nodded and let him put the heavy vest on her.

“I'll just need you to remove your necklace please” he said pointing at her necklace.

 

He wanted her to remove the necklace she never ever removed. The necklace that never left her neck since the moment Clarke had put it on her. She brought her hand up to hold the pendent, and turned the chain around so she can unlock it. She knew she was being ridiculous, but taking it off made her feel uneasy, like she was now disconnected from Clarke completely. And as much as she tried to disconnect from her in every other way, she couldn't bring herself to take the necklace off. She couldn't bring herself to take the only piece of Clarke off of her, she promised she would never take it off.

 

 _Clarke was leaning against Lexa on their bed, tears running down her face. It's been 2 hours and she still couldn't bring herself to stop crying. She feels Lexa stroking her_ _hair gently, threading her fingers through her hair and massaging her scalp. She closes her eyes and leans into her touch even more, until she remembers why she's_ _crying and another sob escapes her throat. Lexa shift herself to hug Clarke tightly, but she can't say anything. She can't say anything because she knows the second she_ _opens her mouth, she'll start crying. She’s trying to not fall apart, so Clarke could. Never in her life has she felt so useless and frustrates and sad. The kind of sadness_ _that hurts your insides and makes you nauseous, the kind of sadness that makes you hate how life works, the kind of sadness that crumbles you down completely and_ _knocks you off your feet until you feel defeated with no hope._ _She let Clarke cry with no interruptions and just held her as tight as she could, because that was the only thing she could do. After a few minutes, Clarke broke the_ _silence._

 

_“This isn't how this was supposed to be. This isn't supposed to be the end of us”_

_she said and felt her throat closing again, more tears coming. She held on to Lexa as if_ _her life depended on it, as if trying to merge their bodies together so they physically won't be able to be apart from each other._

 _“This isn't supposed to be the end of us”_ _she chocked out through another sob._

  _And that broke Lexa down. She couldn't hold it in anymore. Tears started running down her cheeks at an uncontrollable rate, and it only took a few seconds before C_ _larke felt Lexa’s tears on her skin. There was nothing they could do other than cry and be sad. The reality came crushing down on them without warning, a reality_ _where they can't be together anymore. They thought about it, tried to come up with ways to make it work, but it was impossible. So for now, all they could do is cry._

 _How do you say goodbye to the love of your life? How do you say goodbye to the person you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with? How do you say_ _goodbye to the person who put your pieces back together, just to feel yourself being broken down again?_

  _Clarke turned in Lexa’s arms to lay her head on her chest, right above her heart. She felt her heart beat pounding against her ear, as more tears came down from her_ _now closed eyes. She knew she was soaking Lexa’s shirt but she didn't care. She thinks about the many nights she fell asleep on Lexa’s chest just like now. Even after a_ _terrible day, even after long hours of studying and being stressed, even after exams and trainings, falling asleep to Lexa’s heart beat always made her calm. There was_ _something soothing about listening to her girlfriend’s steady heart beat, an ability to feel her other than a physical touch, her own safe haven. She took a deep breathe_ _and concentrated on her heart beat, trying to memorize the sound of it, the feel of it against her ear, and the way it makes her feel. Even now when she feels completely_ _broken and hopeless, Lexa’s heart beat somehow managed to calm her down. She lets herself drift off, feeling exhausted both emotionally and physically._

 _When she opens her eyes a while later, they are both still in the same position, covered in a blanket. She noticed Lexa wasn't crying, and she didn't know if she fell_ _asleep or was still awake and just didn't want to move and cause her wake her up._

  _"_ _Lexa?” She whispered softly._

_“Yeah?” Came in an even softer response quickly. She sounded like she was about to start crying again._

_“I have something for you” she said as she made a move to get up, body feeling much heavier than she thought it would. Even moving hurt now._

  _She had gone to the mall a few days ago with her mom, before this whole…thing happened, and a gorgeous necklace caught her eye. It was a white gold necklace with a_ _proton and electron pendent. it was simple yet elegant and beautiful, just like Lexa. The second she saw it, she knew she had to buy it. At first she was only going to buy_ _it for Lexa, but when she tried it on she fell in love with it right away. She decide to get them matching necklaces, as cheesy as it was. She didn't care, she loved being_ _cheesy with Lexa. Real love is just cheesy like that sometimes._

 

 _Lexa felt cold air sweep in and replacing Clarke’s warm body, she couldn't help but think she's going to have to get used to it now. But she finally stopped crying, and_ _Clarke did too, and she knew if she started it would break Clarke down again. She felt the bed dip again, Clarke sitting next_ _to her._

_“Open it” Clarke said as she handed her a small black box._

_Lexa really didn't know what to expect, but she certainly didn't expect that. She reached to retrieve the necklace from the box, holding the chain at the top and_ _stretching the necklace in front of her to get a better look at it._

_“Clarke this is beautiful” she said still examining the necklace._

_“Really? You like it? I know you don't like jewelry but I saw it and thought you might like it and it's our thing and I really couldn't hel-“_

_She was cut off by a hard kiss to her lip, and melted into it. She always melted into it._

_Lexa pulled back a bit, their faces still mere inches away from each other and whispered_

_“I love it”._

_For the first time that day, Clarke smiled. She smiled that radiant smile of hers, the most contagious smile in the world, and Lexa couldn't help but smile back._

_“Put it on me?” she handed her the necklace._

_Clarke took the necklace and moved behind her so she could put it on. She moved her wild hair to the side, exposing the infinity tattoo on the back of her neck. She_ _brought her arms around her and Lexa scooched back. Clarke put the necklace on her and placed a kiss on her tattoo. She wrapped her arms around her from behind_ _and pulled her to her lap, placing her head on Lexa’s shoulder and allowing her to sink into her touch. They stayed like this for a while, enjoying the feeling of being so_ _close together. They were like magnets, always gravitating towards each other, always having the constant need for physical contact with the other, as if the atoms in_ _their bodies sought each other out. Just like a proton to an electron, it was physics, it was inevitable. It wasn't like anything either one of them has experienced in the_ _past- this kind of need for another person. Clarke used to come up with many analogies for them- but this one of was her favorite. They were each other’s proton and_ _electron. They were both at the same time, always attracting each other. From the moment they met they couldn't help the strong attraction and bond they felt towards_ _each other, this gravity that pulled them together, and it was beyond the physical attraction, it was in their cores, in their souls. Together they were whole, they were_ _complete. Together they created their own atom, the source of all life on this planet, the source of their lives._

 _They didn't need to know what the other was thinking about at that moment, they knew. They were always able to feel what the other thought, their bodies could communicate with each other without the verbal interactions_ _. And they knew, they knew they were both thinking about the same thing, but didn't want to be the one to voice it and break them down again. They didn't_ _want to think about how this was their end._

 _Clarke squeezed Lexa and closed her eyes. She tried to fight the tears again, but felt them burning in the back of her throat. Lexa felt a wet drop on the back of her_ _neck, and knew their peaceful moment was over. She then noticed there was another black box on the bed, right next to hers, and she picked it up. Before she could_ _even ask, Clarke answered her question._

  _“I got one for me too. I wanted us to have matching ones” she said sniffling. It made Lexa smile because of course she got them matching ones. She untangled herself_ _from Clarke’s embrace and stretched her arm out to get the box. She took the necklace out of the box and moved behind Clarke to put it on her. She pushed her soft_ _blonde her out of the way, to reveal her own infinity tattoo. She put the necklace on her and placed kisses from her shoulder, all the way up to her neck, giving her a_ _gentle bite on her most sensitive spot and soothing it with her tongue. Clarke felt a jolt of wetness in her core, quickly responding to Lexa’s touch. The sudden need to_ _feel Lexa took over her, and she abruptly turned around, pushing Lexa down on the bed. She crushed their lips together in a needy messy kiss of tongue and teeth and_ _bites. She only broke the kiss when the need for air was necessary, and rested their foreheads together, breathing heavily. Lexa brought her hands to cup her cheeks_ _and keep her as close to her as possible._

 

_“I love you” she whispered. “I love you so much”_

_“How much?” Clarke tried saying it in the happy tone she always did, trying to push the pain away._

_“To infinity and beyond” Lexa responded as she always did._

_"Promise me you'll never take it off” she said with fresh tears in her eyes._

_“I promise” she said, holding the pendent close to her heart._

_Clarke bent down to give her a soft kiss and whispered against her lips “make me forget, Lexa. Make me forget about this for now”_

  _Lexa knew what she meant and obliged right away. She slowly peeled her clothes off, kissing every exposed skin she found, biting the most sensitive spots only to_ _soothe with her tongue, tasting her skin, hearing her soft moans. They spent the rest of the night exploring each other, a well practiced dance they had mastered, trying_ _to memorize each other's skin, sound, and taste, and most importantly, just for the time being, trying to forget._

  
Lexa unhooked the lock and handed the necklace to the young doctor. The sooner she was done with it the sooner she could put it back on. She gave him her famous death glare and warned him

“If you lose it I will kill you”

The terrified look on his face told her he knew she was serious. He looked at the necklace and thought it looked a little familiar.

 “Atom molecule. Nice” he commented. “You're the second person I saw with this necklace, guess physics is not that geeky anymore huh?” He tried to make a joke and failed. Lexa was not in the mood for jokes or small talks, she just wanted to be cleared and out of there. The longer she stayed here, the more it triggered unwanted memories, and she couldn't take it.

He got the hint and moved, setting everything up more quickly than usual, slightly scared of his patient. If looks could kill, he’d be dead, he was sure about that.

The scan was over quickly, and they started walking back to her room. Even though he insisted she uses the wheel chair, she refused, and he was too scared to argue with her. Walking back the familiar halls, she suddenly caught a whiff of an all too familiar smell. _Her_ smell. She halted her movement and felt her head spin. Its been so long since she had smelled that smell, but she would recognize this smell anywhere. The affect that smell had on her…it was her favorite smell.

Whenever she would smell that smell it would put a smile on her face, because she knew Clarke was near her. Even during the most stressful times of grad school, coming back to her apartment to that smell made her so happy. And now…she still loves this smell more than anything, but it hurts. It hurts to smell it and not have her. It hurts to smell it and not be able lay her head in the crock of her neck, and be engulfed by that smell. It hurts because she knew she wasn't there. She can't be. Clarke is a resident at John Hopkins in Baltimore. It was still the middle of the semester, and there wasn't any holiday, so she knew Clarke wasn't home. Clarke isn't here- she had to repeat it to herself. She knew her memories were most likely what caused her to smell it, or to think she smelled it. In the time her and Clarke were together, she learned more than enough about medicine and the body to know there is a very reasonable explanation for her being able to smell her, and it was most likely psychological. But still, that smell made her ache, and she couldn't take it. She didn't even notice, walking after her doctor lost in her own thoughts, but they were back in her room. She sprinted to the window and slammed it open, taking a deep breathe. Air, she needed air. Air that wasn't _her_ smell. She breathed heavily, and before she knew it Anya was by her side with her inhaler. She didn't even notice she was in the room until then.

"Thanks” she said taking the offered inhaler, not using it yet. “Just needed some air” she stepped away from the window and went to her bed.

 Anya followed her and sat on the bed by her side. She knew why Lexa was acting weird since they landed in Boston, but didn't want to address it. She avoided the forbidden Clarke topic at all costs, she knew how much it hurt Lexa to talk about her. But it's been almost 2 years and Lexa still refuses to let go. Sometimes she thinks that if she hadn't found Costia, Lexa would have spiraled down to the dark place she was at the first few months she was in England. And she would never tell Lexa, but Anya didn't accidentally end up in England after her eurotrip. She knew her friend needed her, and she knew she needed her to stay with her, so she did. She got a job with the same company, which was very eager to have Anya on board as well, and she stayed with her in England. After a few months, Costia came into Lexa’s life, and she was grateful for her. She gets to see Lexa smile and even laugh sometimes, a little glimpses of the happy person she came to be around Clarke. With time it was getting better, and she knew Lexa was doing her best. She tried to avoid the topic until now, but she couldn't anymore, not when it was giving Lexa anxiety.

 

“Clarke is not here. You know she's in Baltimore” she said as carefully as possible.

Lexa winced at the mention of her name and closed her, inhaling sharply.

“Lexa you can say her name, she's not Voldemort” Anya said rolling her eyes, and Lexa just glared at her.

“I know!” She said more harshly than intended. “I know, okay. It's just…hard”

“I know, I get it” because she did get it.

“I just need some distraction, I'm sure I'm fine and we’ll be out of here soon. I need to work” she said as she reached to her laptop by her bed. This is how she got through not thinking about her- work. Work and Costia, but unfortunately she couldn't bring Costia with her to the office. Things would definitely get messy, to say the least. Anya didn't say anything else about Clarke, she said what she had to and didn't want to push it too much.

 “When did they say you'll get the results?”

“He said it shouldn't be too long and he’ll send someone soon to give me an update”

Anya nodded and they both continued to work in silence. After a few minutes, a young lady walked into their room, wearing scrubs. She was petite but not short, she had long straight black hair, and blue greyish eyes. She looked way too young to be a resident or anything above that though, Lexa figured she was probably an intern.

She made her way next to them and introduced herself

“I'm Dr. Blake, I'm just here to check your vitals and connect you to these weird machines you see behind you” she pointed with her head behind her as she was adjusting Lexa’s bed.

 

Lexa didn't pay much attention to the doctor and went back to work. Answering emails, going over numbers, and taking notes as the doctor moved around her quietly, connecting her to machines and writing things down on the chart. Lexa's hair was up in a bun, and when the doctor reached behind her to move the heart monitor, she noticed her neck tattoo.

 "My friend has this exact tattoo" she said to Lexa, who seemed nervous to her. She figured she just didn't like hospitals, no one really liked them, and thought a conversation would calm her down. Apparently she was wrong.

Lexa gave her a small smile and shrugged it off, she was too concentrated on her work to notice anything.

The doctor kept working around her again, connecting her to the heart monitor and moving cables, until the *beep beep beep* sound from the machine sounded, showing Lexa's heart rate on the screen.

"When are we going to get the results?” Anya questioned the young doctor.

“I'll check on your scans now” she smiled politely and left the room.

Anya’s stomach was growling, and she now remembered she didn't get a chance to eat.

“I'm going to get us something to eat. I'm not eating this shitty hospital food” she shut off her laptop and got up, stretching her limbs. “You’ll be okay here alone?”

Lexa looked up at her and nodded.

 “I'll be back soon. Don't have too much fun without me” she winked and threw the tv remote on her bed. “In case you need a little break”

“my head is pounding. See if you can flirt with a doctor to get me some good stuff ya know?”

“I'll see what I can do” she said laughing.

Lexa was exhausted and her head was still pounding, she couldn't work anymore. She decided to close her eyes for a bit, maybe that'll help her headache. Sleep came easily, she was out within seconds.

 

When Anya told Lexa she was leaving room to get food, she was lying. Now that she was actually hungry she had every intention of getting food, but that was not why she left. She had to call someone she knew will have her head if they knew she was in Boston and didn't drop by to say hi, but she couldn't do it next to Lexa. She called and got their voice mail, so she opted to text them instead. How she's going to manage to sneak away to hang out with them was beyond her, but she'll just have to think of something…

 

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clarke finished making the rounds her attendant had assigned to her rather quickly. With nothing left to do for the time being, she figured she'll eat lunch in the lounge and relax for a bit. It was very rare for her to have free time during her shift, she usually doesn't even have time to eat, but today she was in the neuro department, which tends to be a little less hectic than the others. She hoped Raven would join her for lunch, but she was still stuck at work, probably working on the next bionic prosthetic leg that would change the world. She had no doubt Raven could do it. She slumped on the couch with her iPad, biting into her apple loudly, and continued to watch the video of a surgery she found yesterday. It was so fascinating to her, she could watch surgeries for hours. Work did its magic and she seemed to have forgetter about her earlier incident, distracted by the sharp blades, blood, and the open chested person she was watching on her screen. That's how her days went by- she would drown herself in work and surgery and medical books and journals so she couldn't think about anything else. So she couldn't think about anyone else- couldn't think about her. Sometimes she wonders if her rest of her life will be spent trying to forget the love of her life. She wonders if she'll ever accept the fact that she and Lexa are over. That Lexa could potentially be dating someone else, could have fallen in love with someone else. The thought of that made her stomach clench and made her feel sick. She had no choice but to distract herself with work, and not think about those things.

 Clarke was deeply concentrated in the video until the door to the lounge burst open, which made her jump in her seat.

“Jesus Octavia, can you be more aggressive with the door” she sat up and paused her video.

"Can't blame me for being too strong, Griffin” she said rubbing her biceps. “These babies gotta stay strong to break some bones” she flexed her biceps at Clarke and wiggled her eyebrows. 

Clarke just shook her head. Sometimes she couldn't believe how strong her petite friend was. She didn't know how strong she was until she saw her assisting one time in an ortho surgery. Octavia and Ortho were love at first sight, and she already knew that was going to be her speciality, unlike Clarke was who still undecided.

 

Octavia sat down by Clarke, stealing her apple from her and taking a big bite. She handed her a few scans she was holding.

“Who's scans are these?” she asked as she took them one by one and titled them toward the fluorescent light so she could read them.

“Dunno. Bell asked me to give them to you, he said he'll be right here”

Clarke examined the scans carefully, flipping though all of them.

“Seems like just a concussion. This-“ she said pointing to the upper right hemisphere “might be a little swollen. Just need to see to keep the patient here for a day or two to make sure it doesn't get more swollen” she said as if reading the scans was like reading a kid’s book. Medicine was definitely running through her genes, she was good and she knew it. Octavia took a look at the scans as well, but trusted what Clarke said. The door was opened again, much more gently this time, and another young doctor came in.

 “Hey Bell” Clarke said, eyes still glued to the scans.

“Hey Clarke, hey sis” he replied and walked over to them.

“Who's scans are these?” She handed them back to him.

“New patient, just came in not too long ago. Chief personally asked me to take care of her quickly so she doesn't have to wait too long” he said as he took the scans and looked at them in the light like Clarke had done a few moments ago.

 

“Concussion, maybe some swelling. Nothing serious” she said to him.

“She had the scariest look I've ever seen. I tried making a little joke and I swear I've never been so scare of someone’s look before. It was kinda hot actually”

Clarke and Octavia just rolled their eyes at him. Octavia was about to comment on how her look is probably scarier, but before she had time to do so two beepers went off.

“Ughhhh” both Blakes groaned when they noticed it was their beepers.

“Clarke I have to go check on my patient can you please please take these scans back to the new hot scary patient and deliver the news?” He asked her, not wanting to upset the chief by not fulfilling his request to take care of the mystery VIP patient. 

Clarke huffed out “suuuure” and took the scans back, along with the chart he was holding. She didn't even bother looking at it.

“oh and admit her for at least another day, just so we can keep an eye on her. Room 307!” he said already half way through the door.

She put her iPad back in her locker and made her way to room 307….

 

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anya came back to the room 30 minutes later, with 2 huge sandwiched and more snacks than they could ever eat. Lexa barely ate, she was still feeling nauseous and her pounding headache showed no signs of going away.

Anya felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and pulled it out. One new message. She saw who it was from and anxiously opened it.

 **Raven** : Yes I'm working today. Almost done with my meeting. Why what's up?

Anya couldn't decide if the fact that Raven was here in the very same building was good or bad, but she also couldn't not at least say hi.

 **Anya** : well, I'm kind of here.

Not even a minute went by before she got a response.

 **Raven** : here as in Boston??!!!

 **Anya** : here as in…mass gen. Your hospital.

 **Raven** : wtf you’re here?!?’ Where are you?!?! Why are you here?! Everything ok?!

 **Anya** : yes I'm okay everything is fine. Long story, but I'm here with Lexa…

 **Raven** : fuck Lexa is here?!  
**Raven:** Anya Clarke is here. She's in this hospital, she works here!!!

Anya read the last message twice before she felt her feet go numb, and she thanked God she was sitting down. Clarke was here. And Lexa was here. Lexa was watching TV and thankfully not paying attention to her, she's pretty sure she's gone pale.

 **Anya** : fuck fuck Raven you have to make sure Clarke doesn't come here. They can't see each other I don't know what to do!!

 **Raven** : give me your room number I'll be right there.

And just as she typed in their room number, the door to their room was opened.

 

Almost arriving to the room of her new patient, Clarke was already putting her best smile on. Thankfully, she didn't have to deliver any bad news, it was pretty simple. Her 24 hour shift was about to be over, and she suddenly felt the exhaustion catching up to her, but she always did her best to smile at her patients, she learned it's the little things that make the difference.

 

She grabbed the door knob and twisted it, ready to introduce herself to her new patient. Two heads turned at the same time when the door was pushed open.

Clarke raised her head up to look at the patient laying on the bed, and then she locked eyes with her.

Her breathe got caught in her throat. Her stomach clenched. Wide eyes almost bolting out of their socket. Her whole body went limp, charts and scans dropping to the floor with a loud thud. Her hands suddenly felt numb, and she felt as if the whole room around her was pitch black, the only thing she could see were those green eyes she had just dreamed about. The green eyes she craved and loved so much.

and she croaked out in a disbelieving tone…

 

“Lexa??”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know its super short, just wanted to put something out there since its been a while...I'll have the next one up tomorrow :)

“Lexa?”

 

 Their eyes locked and Lexa looked like she had just seen a ghost. For a second she thought she was dreaming, or maybe she did have a concussion and she was hallucinating her. time seemed to have stopped, while she has yet to break contact with piercing blue eyes, the most beautiful deep blue eyes she’s ever seen, and they were looking right back at her. She was sure she was dreaming, that this wasn’t real, it _can't_ be real…until she heard her say her name. When she heard her voice, the voice she yearned to hear for months, saying her name in soft disbelieving just above whisper, reality struck her. Clarke was there, looking at her , and very much real. She felt her blood drain from her body, dropping to her feet, heart racing at the speed of light. The machine she's connected to started making loud noises, alarming of irregular heart beat, and she suddenly couldn’t breathe. Her throat was closing, and she was suddenly gasping for air, her heart rate going from one extreme to the other, dropping dramatically. She could vaguely hear the machines behind her making loud noises again, this time alerting that not enough oxygen is reaching the heart.. Her throat was closing even more, yet she couldn’t look away from her, she couldn’t move.

 

Anya was frozen in place, looking at Clarke and then at Lexa, who both looked like statues frozen in place, unable to move, unable to break away from each other’s gaze. She wanted to disappear, wanted to rewind time, wishing she hadn’t been paranoid about her friend and taken her to a simple clinic, or even had texted Raven earlier so she could avoid this. But it was too late. The last person she expected to see, the last person Lexa needed to see, was standing right in front of her, looking at her best friend like she’s about to fall on her feet and crumble.

 

When the loud machines started beeping uncontrollably behind Lexa, it snapped both Clarke and Anya back to reality. Lexa’s heart rate was dropping, her throat on the verge of closing completely. It took Clarke a moment to act, but she was able to break out of her haze and sprinted to Lexa.

 

“Her inhaler, give me her inhaler!” Clarke yelled at Anya, who was frantically looking for the inhaler in her purse.

 Clarke was already moving the oxygen machine behind her and turning it on, hearing the machine beeping even more erratically now. Lexa’s gaze was still stuck on where she saw Clarke a moment ago, her brain not responding to anything but the lack of air and the fact that she just saw the girl she’s been dreaming about for nearly two years.

 “There’s an extra one in the little pocket inside the purse!” she screamed at Anya, irritated that it was taking her long to find the inhaler. She had a few seconds to get the inhaler to her before her throat would close up on her completely, her delayed response to the situation not helping in being proactive at the moment.

 Lexa was clutching the sides of the bed still gasping for air, when Clarke finally got the oxygen mask on her. Her asthma attack combined with a panic mode caused her to react more severely than usual, and she still found it hard to breathe.

 

“Calm down Lexa, just breathe” Clarke said trying to sound calm, snapping out of her shock of seeing the girl and changing into a doctor mode.

 

“Any-“

 

“Found it!” Anya shouted and jumped up from her seat, racing to the bed to give Lexa her inhaler. Clarke took off her oxygen mask and replaced it with the inhaler, reaching across the bed to support Lexa as she inhaled deeply.

 

“You're okay. You’re okay” she said holding her a little tighter than necessary. “Breathe, slowly” Clarke said to her softly.

 Lexa shut her eyes as she tried to concentrate on breathing, obeying the voice coming from the girl next to her. She had no idea what happened in the last two minutes, one second she was looking at the girl she had wanted to see more than anything for almost two years, the next she is struggling for air with said girl holding on to her tightly, listening to the voice telling her to keep breathing.

 Anya took a seat on the bed, not knowing how to react, the only thing she could do was look at her best friend and the girl that left her broken. She averted her gaze back to Lexa, waiting for her to open her eyes and look at her, waiting to see the sadness and anger that's swirling there, waiting to feel the guilt of what she just caused. But the anger never came and her eyes never opened. Lexa was still concentrating on getting her breathing steady, eyes shut, feeling herself being held by the one person she wanted to feel the most in the world, scared to open her eyes to discover it's still maybe just a dream. She kept her eyes shut for a few seconds longer, savoring the feeling of being held by her again, until suddenly the smell hit her. _Her_ smell. She snapped her eyes open, looking frantically to her side to see if she was actually there.

 And she was. Clarke did not dare move from her position. She couldn't possibly move, even though every part of her told her to stop holding on, that she's okay now and she can breathe. She wouldn't let go, as if holding on to Lexa was the only thing keeping her present there, as if letting go of her would wake her up from yet another dream, leaving here with the mere memory of her touch and heart beat. So she shut her eyes and held on tightly, until she felt the girl in her arms move, head snapping to look at her, and she suddenly sprung back, moving away from Lexa as if she was a burning flame she only now realized was burning her arms.

 They looked at each other momentarily in complete disbelief, not understanding what the hell just happened. Not understanding how in a matter of a few minutes, their whole world turned upside down. Their stomachs were still clenching, still not completely registering they are looking at each other, and before anyone could make a sound or a move the door was swung open aggressively to reveal Raven almost tripping over herself, gasping for air from sprinting to the room, breaking everyone in the room out of the trance to stare at her.

 “Shit” she muttered as she walked in and saw the picture in front of her- Clarke standing by Lexa and Anya sitting on the bed with both hands covering her face, looking like she was just kicked in the gut. She definitely felt like she was.

 Raven Reyes is not the type of person to get nervous or awkward, but right now she was both. She didn’t know if she was more nervous than she felt awkward, never in a million years would she have imagined being trapped in this situation. Her nervousness won over when she saw Lexa, the most invincible person she knows, laying on the bed with a bandage on her head, connected to monitors, and looking completely pale. She rushed over to her side and cupped her face carefully with both her hands

 “Lexa what happened?!” she said as she was examining her head, looking over to Anya and Clarke for answers.

 In that moment, it dawned on Clarke that Lexa was in a hospital as a patient. It might have been her hospital, but she’s in a hospital. Panic took over her body as she made that realization, too caught up in a swirl of emotions to think about the setting of their first encounter in 20 years. She connected the dots quickly, remembering the scans. It was Lexa’s scans.

 

“She has a concussion” Clarke croaked out.

 “Is it bad?” Anya beat Raven to the question.

 “Nothing to be concerned about yet. Potential swelling, we should keep her here for a day or two so we can keep an eye on her” Clarke responded on auto pilot looking anywhere but Lexa, repeating what she said moments ago in the lounge to Octavia, because right now, she could not form a single thought.

 There wasn’t much Lexa could do but nod, not being able to think straight as well, but even the small movement made her head pound even stronger, and she winced at the pain.

 Clarke finally brought herself to look at Lexa and caught her wincing, feeling her insides turning as she was seeing the love of her life in this much pain. Lexa was never one to show pain. If she suffered, she did it quietly, if she was in pain she never showed it, always keeping a stoic face, no matter what hurt or how sick she was. So seeing the suffering expression on Lexa’s face told Clarke that it must have been really bad, and all she wanted to do was hug her and take the pain away from her.

 “Did they give you any pain killers yet?” Raven asked Lexa, and she just shook her head.

 “I can get her something” Clarke said quickly, suddenly feeling like she’s about to suffocate if she stayed in this room any longer. She opened her mouth to excuse herself, but her beeper started going off, doing the job for her.

 “damn it” she mouthed “it’s the chief, I have to go” she looked up and for the first time since entering the room they locked eyes again. Looking into those pained green eyes, she felt conflicted. How can she leave the room when Lexa is here? how can she walk away from her? how can she walk away from the girl she spent the morning crying over, the girl she missed so much, who was looking at her now with so much pain in her eyes. She wondered if the pain was because of her concussion or because she saw her, and she felt tears bubbling up. Before she could sink deeper in her thoughts, her beeper went off again, bringing her back to earth.

 “Jesus!” she hissed at the device and broke the contact, Lexa averting her gaze to the other direction right away. She noticed the sparkle in her eyes and knew tears were threatening to come down. The only thing that’ll be more painful than her current headache is seeing Clarke cry, she can’t see her cry, it will break her. She looked away in an attempt to avoid the tears, she can't break down with everyone in the room. 

 

“I’ll be back” Clarke said as she was backing away. She bent down to pick up the discarded chart and scans she dropped earlier by the door, and ran out of the room as fast as she could. She was thankful for being forced out of there, because she knew she didn't have it in her to leave by herself.

 

“I’m gonna….” Raven said gesturing with her head to the door. She had to go check up on Clarke. Anya nodded subtly in understanding, even though she was not thrilled about being left alone with her best friend in the room now. She’s not looking forward to what’s coming, but she knew she deserved it, feeling the guilt already eating her up.

 

Raven ran as fast as she could to the direction she saw Clarke going, and she spotted her running toward the elevator.

 

“Clarke!” she yelled at her. She knew Clarke heard but she ignored her.

 

“Clarke wait up!” and she saw the girl come to a stop, only because she was waiting for the elevator.

 

Clarke was furiously pressing the “up” button, not wanting to deal with Raven, or anyone else right now. Raven finally caught up to her, and she finally looked at Clarke who looked like she was about to cry.

 

“Clarke let’s just tal-“

 

“not now, Raven” Clarke shot back at her immediately. She can’t do this right now.

 

“Can you pleas-“

 

“I said not now Raven! I don’t have time for this!” she sputtered as she walked away from the elevator and opted to take the stairs, slamming the door open angrily, not wanting to be under the questioning gaze of her best friend.

 

Her beeper went off again and for the second time that day, the device and work were going to be a distraction from _her_ …

 

Only this time it didn’t work. Not when Clarke knew they were both under the same roof. 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit's about to get real soon, I can't wait for you to read it :)

Lexa was laying down on the hospital bed with her eyes closed, the only movement coming from the rise and fall of her chest. It's been a few minutes since Clarke left the room with Raven hot on her heels, and Anya was still sitting on the bed, waiting for Lexa to lash at her. One could mistake the light rise and fall of her chest and closed eyes for her being asleep, but Anya knew there was no way the brunette was sleeping. She was deep in her thoughts not sure how to react to seeing Clarke, a burst of emotions she didn’t know how to handle settled in her stomach, and her barely closed wound from 20 months ago was threatening to open up again. 20 months. It has been 20 months since she looked at the blonde, smelled her, touched her. And just like that, she was suddenly there by her side, holding her. Lexa didn’t understand how any of this happened, but she can’t lie and say she didn’t have the tiniest hope to run into Clarke when she landed in Boston. She would never admit it, not even to herself, she just never thought it would actually happen. Even though she had hoped for it, seeing Clarke knocked the wind out of her, made her brain go numb and her stomach twist, because seeing the blonde took her by a complete surprise and she was still baffled. For all she knew, Clarke was in Baltimore doing her residency program at John Hopkins, not Mass Gen in Boston. she was clearly wrong because apparently Clarke was here, working in the same hospital she was a patient at. She had so many questions and emotions swirling in her head, and it did not help ease the pain. Lexa forgot Anya was sitting next to her until she heard her starting to speak.

 

“Lexa I-“

 

“don’t” Lexa cut her off lifting her hand up like she always did when silencing someone, but her tone was not an angry one. She was feeling too many things to be able to add anger into the mix, and quite honestly she felt too exhausted to be mad.

 

Anya nodded and inhaled deeply, slowly getting up from the bed.

 

“I’m going to get some coffee” she said, her voice sounding too loud for the silent room as she quietly stepped out, not wanting to make any more noise than necessary.

 

She knew she needed to give her best friend some space to deal with whatever she was feeling, and she wasn’t going to push it. She knew that look on Lexa’s face all too well, that look of pain, though she knew it wasn’t physical pain, and she felt guilty because deep down she knew she was the cause of it. She insisted on bringing her here, to what she thought was just Abby’s place of work. How could she know Clarke would be here? She wasn’t supposed to be here, if she had the slightest doubt the blonde would be here she would do anything in her power to keep Lexa at a 50 mile radius from her; and not because she didn’t like Clarke. Despite their rough beginning, Anya loved Clarke, and she loved her best friend. And it was because she loved both of them that she wanted to keep them away from each other, not forgetting what the two had gone through after their break up in order to try to move on with their lives. Even though she didn’t keep in touch with Clarke, mainly because it was too hard on Clarke, she did keep in touch with Raven. The two would skype often and text, but they made one rule in order to be able to maintain their long distance friendship: never talk about Lexa and Clarke. Which right now Anya deeply regretted, because she wishes she had known Clarke would be here and spare the couple that made her believe love was real this pain.

 

She pulled her phone out quickly and saw a text from Raven that asked her to meet her in the cafeteria.

 

Raven was waiting for by the entrance of the noisy cafeteria, caught between being eager and excited to see one of her best friends, to dealing with Lexa and Clarke being in the same building. She spotted Anya walking towards her and ran up to her to pull her into a bone crushing hug.

 

“Its so good to see you” Raven said, causing both of them to smile and forget the circumstances they met under.

 

Anya pulled away from the hug, arms still holding on to Raven’s sides as she pushed her back to get a better look at her.

 

“Still looking hot, Reyes” she smirked at her.

 

“Still looking smokin, An” she winked back.

“So….what a reunion” she added trying lighten up the mood. She could tell something was off about Anya.

 

“Yeah….a reunion” Anya just shook her head and chuckled, still not believing how their day turned out.

 

“I don’t know what about you but I’m starving, and if we’re going to be dealing with those two we’re going to be needing a lot of energy so let’s grab a table” she said pulling Anya to the cafeteria.

 

As much as they wanted to catch up with each other and chat, they knew they had a bigger problem to tackle….

 

 

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Clarke sat on the floor in the stairways, staring at the chart she was holding through teary eyes. Her blurry vision was fixed on the name on it, “Alexandria Woods”, as she traced the name with her fingers, wondering what the hell just happened. She barely got through the last hour of her shift, not being able to shake off the green eyes she stared at not too long ago. Then images of Lexa gasping for air and wincing in pain flashed through her head, and she felt her stomach clench again. Seeing Lexa was probably the last thing she had on her mind today. Seeing Lexa was actually not a thing she had on her mind at all, and even if someone would have warned her about a beautiful brunette with the most expressive green eyes being admitted to the hospital, she would still not think there is a single chance it would be Lexa, it couldn't be. Lexa was in England busy being a big shot business woman, thousands of miles away from her….yet here she was. In the hospital she works for, as her patient. The emotions that erupted within her were mixed, feeling of shock, sadness, agony, but most of all- desperation. Desperation to run back to the room and kiss her, to feel the soft lips on her, to taste her and feel her breathe against her even if it were just one more time...  
She was so desperate to see the love of her life again, yet her body wouldn't budge. She physically couldn't get up, stuck in a trance of green eyes boring into hers, of holding her tight against her...

There were so many questions going through her head and she wasn't sure she wanted the answers to most of them. Why was Lexa back in the in the U.S? Did she move back? Was she visiting? Did she get relocated?

Deep down she knew why she couldn't bring herself to march back into the room and face the girl she was still clearly very much in love with- she was too scared. She didn't want to find out the answers to the questions in her head, fearing the answers would cause her more agony than before, and she doesn't think she could handle that.

 

Something sparked inside her when she remembered the reason the brunette was here- Lexa had a concussion and potential swelling in her brain, and was clearly in a lot of pain. She shot up from the floor and rushed to the lounge in search for Octavia. If she can't face her she can at least get someone to give her some pain killers to ease the pain, the last thing she wants is for Lexa to be in pain. She was so caught up in herself and her feelings that she failed to answer Lexa’s needs- medical needs, before her own. Clarke chastised herself for how selfish she’d been, walking even faster now, only stopping to pick up pain killers, and quickly returning to her search.

 

“Where’s the fire?” she heard the voice she was looking for shouting behind her

 

“O!” she rushed to her, nearly out of breathe. “I need a favor” she said grabbing both of Octavia’s shoulders preventing from her to move.

“What’s up?”

“Can you please take these to the new patient you saw earlier with the concussion?” She held out the bottle of pills in front of her.

  
“uhh sure?” she responded not understanding why Clarke couldn’t take it herself.

  
“But do it now okay? Like right this second” she almost pleaded

  
“And you can’t take it because…?”  
“because I…I can’t okay? I’ll explain later. Please go to her and make sure she takes it” she couldn’t explain the whole situation to her now, she needed to make sure she took care of Lexa’s pain first before she spirals down with her feelings once again.

  
“fiiiiine I’ll go I’ll go” she huffed and was about to turn to walk toward the room when she heard Clarke giving her more instructions

“Wait and make sure she eats before! She probably didn’t eat, she needs to eat” Clarke started rambling, mostly to herself. She knew when Lexa got stressed out she couldn’t eat, judging by the previous events mixed with the nausea from her concussion, she was sure Lexa didn’t eat.

  
Octavia eyed her suspiciously. Clarke was acting weird, but she didn’t know why. She decided to go with it so she could get an explanation faster.

  
“Fine. I’ll stop and grab her something from the cafeteria” she rolled her eyes and dragged her feet

  
“No no wait she won’t eat cafeteria food she hates it”

  
“Griffin, how much time did you spend with that patient, do you have a crush on her or something? Did you bond over your tattoo? I mean she is hot” Octavia tried to reason with Clarke’s behavior, this is the only explanation she could come up with. She really didn’t understand why Clarke was struggling with herself so much about a patient with a concussion when she had just been an inch deep inside a man’s chest a few hours prior without any hesitation.

  
“O I don’t have a crush on her…and what about my tattoo?” she was confused. Why was she asking her about her tattoo all of a sudden.

  
“Your tattoos, you guys have the same exact tattoo on your nape ” Octavia explained, and judging by Clarke’s reaction she figured she had no idea about it.

  
“You saw her tattoo” she said and it came out more of statement than a question

  
“Yeah, weird coincidence” Octavia brushed it off, and then saw the expression on Clarke’s face. She knew that expression, the expression of hurt and pain and something else she can’t make out, but she didn’t know why. Why the sudden change in mood? What is it about this patient that made Clarke react this way? She decided to blame it on Clarke’s long 24 hour shift and lack of sleep, and if getting the girl a sandwich from the stand would make Clarke feel better, she’ll do it.

  
“Its…um it-“ Clarke couldn’t get the words out of her mouth. She couldn’t say her name, she hasn’t said it out loud in such a long time.

  
“Hey Griff don’t stress I’ll get her a sandwich from the stand ok? Talk about good patient care eh?” she joked trying to lighten up her friend’s mood, but Clarke ignored it.

  
“I’ll get it and you can give it to her” she started walking to the stand behind the cafeteria, the stand with the good food, not even waiting for a response from Octavia.

  
Octavia followed her silently and watched as Clarke gave a very detailed sandwich order. She was now sure she somehow knew the girl but didn’t want to say how she knew her.

Clarke looked to her side to find Octavia averting her eyes from her quickly as soon as she turned, and she knew Octavia was on to her. She paid for the sandwich and took it, holding it out to Octavia. She exhaled heavily and blurted it out

“Its Lexa” she said quietly

“Huh?” Octavia frowned her eyebrows, confused. She knew who Lexa was, she heard about her mostly from Raven, but she didn’t understand why Clarke said her name.

  
“My patient, O. Its…its Lexa” she looked at Octavia and chocked down her tears. She couldn’t even believe the words she was saying.

“Lexa as in your ex girlfriend, Lexa?!” Octavia almost yelled, eyes nearly bulging out.

“Yes”

“Oh. OHH!!” and it finally hit her. The tattoo, Clarke’s behavior…it all made sense now.

“I’m sorry Clarke do you wan-“

“no” Clarke cut her off coldly. “I can’t. not right now”  
Octavia did the only thing she thought was appropriate at that moment, and pulled her friend in for a hug. She didn’t know what else to say, she knew very well how hard getting over Lexa has been for Clarke, how many times she saw her cry when she thought she didn’t notice. So the only thing she could do is hug her to offer some comfort. It took a few seconds for Clarke to respond to the hug, but she did. It was a short hug, but it did offer some comfort.

“Can you please just take this to her and make sure she takes her pills?” she said when they pulled away from the hug

“I got it Griff, don’t worry. Whatever you need” she squeezed her arm.

“thank you” she offered her a small smile, and watched Octavia walk away. She wanted to follow her so badly, but she couldn't, not yet. And judging by Lexa’s shocked face and asthma attack that may or may not have been caused by seeing her, she wasn't so sure Lexa wanted to see her.

 

                                   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

  
It's been almost an hour since Anya left the room, and Lexa would have probably been worried she was too harsh on her if she weren't so high off her ass from the pain killers. She didn't know what the young doctor gave her, but it was good. The pain was mostly gone, but every time she closed her eyes she saw blue ones staring at her, and a different pain rose within her.  
The silence of the room and the meds caused her mind to drift to different places, most of her thoughts resulting with certain blonde. She closed her eyes and listened to the beeping heart machine, the sound making memories of a blonde in the this very hospital come to her.

_Clarke pulled Lexa into one of the empty rooms and shut the door behind them. she needed to escape her mother and take a break from being introduced to every single attending here, trying to convince her to choose their program. She loved this hospital, she really did, but she didn't want to do her residency program where her mother worked, afraid others might think she's favorited or got in because of her mother. She knew it wasn't true but others wouldn’t. She knew the reason she got to where she is was holding her hand now, looking around the room and scoping all the medical equipment._

_“These machines kind of freak me out” Lexa said looking at one of the bigger machines in the room, it really looked like it is more likely to kill you rather than do you any good._

_“Lexa that's just an X-Ray machine” Clarke said laughing. To her the machines were never scary, she grew up with it, it was second nature to her. And unlike other people in their 4th year of med school, she already knew how to operate most of these machines._

_Lexa touched one of the more simple looking machines and examined it_

_“What's this one?”_

_“That…” Clarke said reaching behind the machine and turning it on “is a heart monitor. Just a fancier one” she touched the buttons and moved it around expertly, as if she's been doing this for years. She then took 3 of the cables connected to the machine and placed them on her chest, moving them around until she heard the beep beep sound. She grinned and turned to Lexa, who was looking at her with questioning eyes._

_“What are you doing?” She eyed her girlfriend and smiled_

_“Showing you something” Clarke said as she motioned for her with her finger to come closer. Lexa walked over to her, standing mere inches away, the height difference making her look down on her._

_“hold my hand” Clarke instructed, and Lexa complied. She wanted to question the blonde but decided against it._

_When their hands touched, Clarke’s heart rate went up a bit, which made her smile._

_“Come closer” she instructed again softly, and Lexa followed. Clarke’s heart rate went up a little more._

_“Kiss me” she said firmly, and Lexa complied. She closed the little distance between them, bringing her lips down to Clarke’s in a slow soft kiss. Clarke’s heart rate went up more after the action, which made Lexa push into the kiss more. She opened her mouth and deepened the kiss as she felt Clarke’s tongue picking out. Two arms wrapped around Clarke’s waist as she pulled her impossibly closer, Clarke’s heart getting more erratic as the kiss intensified. The reaction she had on Clarke sent jolts of hot liquid to her core, and she couldn't help but bite Clarke’s lower lip, which earned her a moan and a machine beeping more intensely, alarming of rapid heart rate.  
Clarke pulled away abruptly, breathing heavily against her lips, holding her face with both hands._

_“You hear that” Clarke leaned in to steal another kiss. “It's going crazy for you” she opened her eyes to the most beautiful smile she’s ever seen._

_“You” Lexa kissed her again “are something else” she said slightly shaking her head and laughing. How did she get the best girl in the world was beyond her. She never thought a heart rate machine could be so romantic, but count on Clarke to pull it off somehow._

_“You love it”_

_“I love you” Lexa said as she kissed her again. She pulled away and leaned their forwards against each other._

_“I'm going to marry you one day, Clarke Griffin”_

_Clarke flashed her widest smile at her and her heart skipped a bit_

_“Is that a promise?”_

_“That's a promise” Lexa said assertively_

_"You don't know that I'll say yes” Clarke teased_

_“You'll say yes” Lexa laughed, and Clarke knew at that moment that all she wanted to do was hear the girl in front of her laugh for the rest of her life_

_“Now do me” Lexa said pulling at the cables connected to Clarke’s chest, but the smirk on the blonde’s face told her she caught on on her unintended pun._

_“I will gladly do you, Ms Woods” she said in a husky voice, and Lexa was done for._

  
Lexa closed her eyes at the memory. She used to be so happy, so full of life, so full of love…and seeing Clarke reminded her just that. She used to feel invincible and ready to conquer the world…but the day she said goodbye to Clarke, she said goodbye to that Lexa as well.

However, she couldn't think about any of that now because she had bigger things to worry about than her feelings. She's here for a purpose, and seeing Clarke didn't change the situation.Yet here she was, feeling her insides turn every time she thought about Clarke being so close to her yet so far away.

In an attempt to distract herself before she goes back to that dark place (not that she actually ever got out of it), she reached for the TV remote and started flipping through the channels. Her body and brain seemed to be at war with each other- on the one hand she felt so physically at ease, like she was floating, more at east then she felt in a long time, but her brain? Her brain was the opposite- so unease and on total overdrive, no matter how much she tried to fight it. In the last year she taught herself how to avoid thinking about Clarke, and when she did think about her, she learned how to distract herself. Her biggest distraction came to be Costia. Whenever she felt sad and emotionally drained all she had to do is look into her big brown eyes, eyes that looked into hers as if she understood everything Lexa was feeling, and Lexa would feel better. She pulled out her phone and unlocked it, looking at the background picture of her and Costia and it made her smile. She really didn't think being away from her for a few days was going to be hard- but it was. With her meds kicking in full force- she finally didn't feel nauseous and was actually getting hungry. She was about to text Anya asking her to bring her food, real food that's not snacks, but then remembered the young doctor brought her a sandwich earlier. She barely touched it even though the doctor was very determined to get her to eat, and she finally caved and took a few bites.

She unwrapped the sandwich and took a bite, now noticing the flavor of the sandwich. It was her very detailed sandwich order, and there are only two people in the world who knew it. If it wasn't Anya who got it for her, the other option is…

“Hey” came an almost whisper from the direction of the door.

Lexa whipped her head quickly to the direction of the familiar voice.

There, she saw the blonde leaning against the door, still in her scrubs, looking at her lovingly.

Clarke. It was Clarke who got her the sandwich.

 


	4. Chapter 4

As soon as Clarke finished her shift she ran out of the hospital. She couldn't bare the weight she felt when she was there, knowing Lexa was there as well but not knowing what to do. Does she go see her? Would Lexa want to see her? Why is she in Boston?

She couldn't stop asking herself these questions, thinking maybe if she kept repeating them to herself an answer would appear. But instead of answers, all she got was frustration and even more confusion, and she had to escape. She stepped out of the hospital and felt the warm air of June hitting her, a nice breeze of fresh air entering her lungs as she inhales deeply, trying to clear out her mind. She knew if she went home she would just fall into that place again in her mind, so she decided to go to The Ark, the bar across the hospital. She knew she’d find someone she knew there and could have a drink or two to distract herself, at least for tonight.

Clarke stepped into the The Ark and the smell of beer and tequila hit her immediately. It was Tuesday- tequila night. Tequila nights when she and at least one of her best friends had the next morning off never ended well, or rather ended too well to even be able to remember how the night went. Seeing as she didn't start her next shift until 8pm the next day, she wasn't opposed to the idea of getting completely trashed and forgetting about everything. She walked up to the bar and flagged the bartender down.

“Shot of tequila and Blue Moon?” The bartender asked Clarke right away, already knowing her usual order.

"You know it” she said back to her with a smile. Niylah was her favorite bartender, not only because she wasn't bad on the eyes, but also because she seemed to get Clarke. When Clarke first started working at the hospital and The Ark became everyone’s usual hang out spot, Niylah kind of tried to ask Clarke out. After Clarke politely turned her down, Niylah didn't ask again, but was still being extremely flirty with her. One night, after too many tequila shots, Clarke somehow ended up making out with her in back ally of the bar. They ended up going back to Clarke’s place, and as soon as things got heated, Clarke seemed to come to her senses and stopped her.

_“I can't. I'm sorry, I can't” Clarke said as she backed out of the embrace, clutching to her shirt, as if to not accidentally show any skin. She didn't know how the hell this happened, but as soon as she felt Niylah’s hands slide under her shirt and make contact with her skin she pulled away. The touch…wasn't Lexa’s touch. And it hit her like a train, bringing her back to her senses, and she knew she couldn't feel anyone else’s hands on her. Not yet. She felt tears well up in her eyes and leaned against the wall, throwing her head back and exhaling._

_“I can't…I can't” she whispered and tears were running down her face now. She didn't even realize she was crying until Niylah was in front of her, offering a tissue._

_“Hey it's ok, don't worry about it” Niylah comforted with a soft voice as she came to wrap her arms around the crying blonde, but it wasn't anything sexual. Clarke allowed herself to be held as more tears escaped her eyes, and all she could see in front of her was Lexa._

_“So how bad was the break up?” Niylah asked after a few minutes. That caused Clarke to jump back from the embrace and look up at Niylah for the first time since they came back to her apartment._

_“How did you k-“_

_“Clarke, it's pretty obvious. You've been at my bar for quite some time now, you always turn down everyone that dares to ask you out or even to dance, and you never bring anyone with you. And that sad look in your eyes that you think you hide so well…people see it. It's not obvious, but it's more obvious to me when you drink. You drift off when no one notices, and you're obviously thinking about someone when that happens”_

_Clarke was taken aback by the observation, not realizing she was that easy to read._

_“I guess I'm pretty obvious, huh?” She said chuckling._

_“A little bit” She said as she brought her thumb and index finger close together to demonstrate the “little” part._

_Clarke released a breathe and went over to her couch to take a seat. She was drunk and didn't care to spill her heart out, especially since the girl already figured it out._

_“We broke up about a 15 months ago. She was….she is....the love of my life” Clarke said with shaky voice. She went on to briefly explain to Niylah what happened between them, how the break up wasn't at all a bad break up, but the total opposite, which made it even worse. She explained the impossible situation they were in, and the sacrifice they each had to make, the sacrifice of their relationship, to go after their dreams. She confessed, to herself as well, that she was still very much in love with her ex girlfriend._

_And ever since that day, Niylah seemed to get Clarke even more. She never pushed her to talk, but over time the two became closer friends, and Clarke was grateful for that._

  
Niylah put the shot and the beer in front of Clarke and went back to work, taking a note that Clarke looked exceptionally beat today. Clarke grabbed the shot and was about to toss it back, but a voice behind her startled her and she stopped her motion.

“Griffin you stop right there!” She turned around in her seat to see Octavia pointing her index finger at her, warning her not to take the shot, Raven laughing at Octavia’s accusatory tone.

“It's Tuesday and you dare start taking shots without us? How dare you” Octavia feigned hurt.

Clarke rolled her eyes and put the shot down, waiting for the two best friends to sit down next to her. Niylah spotted the two girls and knew they would order the same thing, before they could even ask for it 2 more tequila shots and beers were placed in front of them.

“You're the best” Raven said to Niylah with a wide smile.

“Can I take my shot now?” Clarke looked at Octavia and rolled her eyes. She knew she was being a little cold toward her friend, but she couldn't help the frustrated mode she was in, and the need to feel alcohol take over her body and numb her mind was getting to her

“Now you may take your shot” Octavia said and gestured cheers toward Raven and Clarke, Clarke tossing the shot back in a hurry and puts the glass down gently, feeling the tequila burning her throat, then her stomach. She reached for the beer immediately and gulped about half of it down, as Octavia and Raven eyed her, and then looked back at each other, sharing a knowing look.

Raven knew she had to find Clarke after she saw Lexa, and after hearing from Octavia what happened, the two decided to find her together and be there for her. Raven didn’t know what to expect from her best friend, she had no idea how she would react to seeing her ex girlfriend again, but she knew Clarke would most likely than not turn to alcohol, and she knew where to find her.

Octavia and Raven decided to start chatting between them as if nothing happened, not wanting to mention the big elephant in the room if Clarke didn't talk about it herself, thinking maybe if they kept acting normal it would distract Clarke. So they did just that, talked about their day and their patients, exchanging funny stories and talking about the new episodes Orange Is The New Black, while Clarke sat there quietly and didn't say a word. Sometimes she looked like she was listening, sometimes she drifted off. They kept getting more drinks and Clarke felt the alcohol take over her body rather quickly, having drank on an empty stomach.

Her two best friends tried to get her involved in the conversation, but Clarke wouldn't budge. She smiled and nodded and hummed, but no words were coming out of her mouth. Octavia excused herself to the restroom and eyed Raven as she stood behind Clarke, motioning with her head toward her, mouthing to Raven “talk to her”, and took off to the restroom. She knew that maybe she would open up more to Raven than to her since Raven was the one who was her best friend when the break up happened, and to be frank, Octavia didn't know the full story. Clarke never wanted to talk about it.

Raven moved closer to Clarke and looked at her. She hated seeing her best friend like this, she saw that hurt look on her face too many time in the last few months.

“You okay?” She asked Clarke carefully, not wanting to upset her.

Clarke huffed and took another sip of her beer, still not looking at Raven.

"I could tell you yes but you know that's a lie” She finally turned to her friend.

"Yeah I figured that much”

“She's here, Ray. She's fucking here” she said and put her head in her hands, leaning down on the table. Raven debated if she should share with Clarke what she knows, Anya told her everything, but she wasn't sure if Clarke wanted to hear it. Deciding against it for now, she pulled the blonde to her side and hugged her tight, knowing the warm touch will make her feel better. It makes everyone feel better, even for those who don't like to admit it.

  
“I just don't know how to feel, I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do” she looked at her best friend desperately, looking for guidance.

“I can't tell you what to do, babe. But what I can tell you, is that you don't have to do anything. She'll be out of there in 2 days, and out of your life again, and that’s it.”

The words suddenly cut through Clarke like a knife.

Something snapped inside of her and the need to see the brunette, combined with the affect of the alcohol, took over every other sense of insecurity and frustration. The thought of the brunette leaving the hospital and not seeing her ever again almost made Clarke sick, and she couldn't jump out of Raven’s hug fast enough. She wanted, no, needed to see Lexa, before it was too late.

Clarke got up right as Octavia came back, and just as she was about to question where the blonde was going she answered it.

“I have to go see her. I can't let her leave without seeing her again” she said as she pulled out her wallet, looking for cash to leave before taking off. A hand stopped her from opening her wallet

“Go, I've got this” Raven said.

“Thank you” she said with soft smile, and turned to leave, when she heard Octavia speak.

“Clarke!” She called out of her, and Clarke turned her head to her, her body screaming at her to run to see Lexa.

“We’re here for you” Octavia said and gave her shoulder a squeeze. Clarke looked back at her lovingly and it warmed her heart to know she had such amazing friends.

“Thank you” she said with the most genuine voice, and ran out of the bar, liquid courage running through her veins.

  
When Clarke finally reached the door to Lexa’s room, she lingered there for a bit. She looked at the girl from the window on the door and wondered how was this even real. How was the girl she was dreaming about at night, the girl she was still head of heels in love with, looking more beautiful than she remembered, here, in her hospital, as her patient. She thought to herself that the universe was playing some twisted joke on her, and she didn't know whether to laugh or to cry.

She looked at Lexa’s beautiful profile, and saw the brunette pull out her phone and smile that little coy smile that was reserved just for her. God, she missed that smile. She missed that face. She missed her so much. She then saw Lexa grab the sandwich Octavia brought her before, almost untouched (of course, she thought) and took a bite from it. From the pleased look on her face, and then a small smile, she knew she got the order just right. She loved that look on Lexa’s face, every time Lexa tasted something she loved, she had that same look on her face

Seeing that little smile gave her the courage to push the door open. She turned the knob and leaned against the door frame, taking in the beauty in the bed.

“Hey” she croaked out.

Lexa whipped her head to her, and a smile took over her face.

“Hi” Lexa said back softly.

"How are you feeling?” Clarke said walking toward her, and little hesitant

“I've been better” Lexa said with a smile, trying to sound unphased by her pain, but Clarke knew better.

Sometimes Lexa would tell Clarke that she knew her better than she knew herself, and she was right. Clarke learned to read her face, and most importantly her very expressive eyes, and Lexa became an open book to her. She could never hide anything from her, just like she couldn't hide the pain in her eyes right now.

"I'm guessing a concussion wasn't on your schedule today” Clarke joked

“No, it most definitely wasn't” Lexa said with a light laugh.

Clarke wasn't sure what to do, should she sit? Should she stand? Should she come closer? She opted to walk over to the charts and look through them, trying to not make the situation awkward. She didn't know what the protocol was on seeing ex girlfriends who you are still in love with, and she didn't want to hover over Lexa, yet she couldn't stay away from her. What she didn't see was the way Lexa was eyeing her the whole time, drinking her in, watching her every move.

"How's your head?” Clarke said avoiding her gaze and pretending to read over the charts again.

“Hurts” she replied flatly.

Clarke then actually looked through her charts to see what dose Octavia gave her, her eyes almost bulging out of their socket when she saw the high dosage.

“But the meds are starting to kick in so its getting better” Lexa added before Clarke could say anything.

“Yeah, holy shit Octavia had zero chill with the pain killers” Clarke said with wide eyes.

And it made Lexa laugh, really laugh, and she knew it probably wasn't that funny, but the pain killers definitely made her feel a little groggy and light, so she laughed. She laughed and then winced at the pain in her head caused by the laugh, bringing her hand up to hold it steady.

“Don't make me laugh, it hurts” Lexa said through a smile

“Sorry” she looked at Lexa sheepishly and smiled. They locked eyes for the first time since Clarke walked in to the room, and held their gaze for a few moments. Lexa smiled that coy smile again, and Clarke melted. Even with a hospital gown and a bandage on her head, Lexa looked absolutely gorgeous.

“Thank you for the sandwich” Lexa said breaking their moment. She felt like she could start crying if the blonde kept looking at her like that, like she was the only thing that existed.

“How did you figure it was me?” Clarke said with a smirk

"Seeing as there are only 2 people in the world who know my exact order, and one of them was no where to be found, I figured it was you” she smirked back at her.

“That or in my unconscious state I managed to give that whole order to one of the nurses or doctors, which I highly doubt” she scrunched her face thinking about that possibility.

“No it was me” she said laughing again. 5 minutes in the room with Lexa and she was already laughing and smiling more than she has for a whole week.

"Thank you” Lexa said again.

“You're welcome. I knew you wouldn't touch hospital food so…” She said feeling a little embarrassed now. She didn't know if it was too much, or if Lexa wanted her to get it for her, but the smile the brunette’s face told her she made the right call.

“You know me too well” Lexa said, and the expression on her face was a smile camouflaging pain. She didn't expect her words to pierce through both of them, but they did. Because Clarke did know her too well. And it's been almost 2 years, and Clarke still knew her too well.

Feeling traces of the liquid courage, she decided to pull the chair behind the bed closer to Lexa, and sat down. She placed both her hands on her legs and took a deep breathe, not really knowing what to say. What do you say to the love of your life, who you haven't seen in almost 2 years? Where do you start? She wanted to ask so much, and the wheels in her head started spinning so fast she felt dizzy.

Lexa, knowing that look on Clarke’s face all too well, knew the beautiful blonde was overthinking about everything right now. She too, had so many questions, but now was not the time. She felt the pain killers completely taking over, and felt herself starting to doze off.

“I didn't know you would be here” she suddenly said before she could stop herself. It snapped Clarke out of her own thoughts to look at her.

“Ya, I figured by your reaction you didn't” she said as she released a hurt chuckle. The reaction Lexa had to seeing her wasn't exactly positive, and she was scared it was because maybe the brunette didn't want to see her. But just like Clarke knew Lexa all too well, Lexa knew Clarke all too well, and she knew what she was thinking.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be that dramatic about it. I was just…shocked. Don't take it as anything else” she looked deep into Clarke’s eyes, hoping she would understand what she's trying to say.

“That's ok ” Clarke said releasing a breathe, feeling relieved.

She noticed Lexa’s eyes closing and she knew she was fighting off sleep.

“You should rest” she said quietly, not wanting to interrupt the almost sleeping brunette.

“Mhmm” Lexa nodded weakly and shut her eyes. Clarke took it as a sign to leave, but as she got up she felt a hand grab hers before she could walk away.

“Stay” Lexa whispered.

The touch of Lexa’s hand on her was warm and light, a touch she craved for months upon months. She let herself revel in the touch, just for a moment, and she turned to look at Lexa, who looked just as affected by the touch as she was.

"I mean, if-if you want” Lexa added quickly, not wanting to make Clarke uncomfortable.

Clarke squeezed the hand that was holding hers and smiled, “I'll stay”.

Lexa closed her eyes again and smiled widely, feeling content, still not releasing the light grip on Clarke’s hand. If felt too good to release it, so she didn't. Clarke sat back down and Lexa started drifting off right away, still holding her hand. It was weird how it wasn't weird to be holding her hand after all this time. How normal it felt to feel Lexa’s touch. She leaned her head against the wall and closed her eyes, and it only took minutes before both girls were sound asleep, lightly holding each other’s hand, but holding none the less. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone,
> 
> So I wrote this thing months ago and never posted...I was going through a terrible break up and it was hard to keep writing...
> 
> But here it is now, so hope you enjoy it. This story is a roller coaster, I already have most of it down. 
> 
> Let me know what you think :)


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